January

Before I was a Mum
Before I was a Mum

I made and ate hot meals.

I had unstained clothing.

I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mum

I slept as late as I wanted

And never worried about how late I got into bed.

I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mum

I cleaned my house each day.

I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mum

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunisations

Before I was a Mum

I had never been puked on

Pooped on

Spit on

Chewed on

Peed on

Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mum

I had complete control of:

My thoughts

My body And my mind.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mum

I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mum

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mum.

Before I was a Mum

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small

Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mum

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night

Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay

I had never known the warmth

The joy

The love

The heartache

The wonder

Or the satisfaction of being a Mum.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mum.

4 January 2003: Just relaxing
Mum and Dad haven’t taken any time off over Christmas and New Years so have only been home on public holidays. We haven’t been up to much, just relaxing around the house and of course Mum has managed to fit some shopping in.
The progress that I had made with being able to put myself to sleep has taken a couple of backward steps. Mum thinks it’s because Por Por has been rocking me to sleep. I’m back on track now but it was hard work for both Mum and Dad because I’ve learnt that if I cry enough then sooner or later someone will come and pick me up. Yesterday and today I even managed to put myself to sleep in the cot. From now on Mum and Dad want me to sleep in the cot during the day, but I’m still allowed to sleep with them at night.
Mum is able to get a better idea of my routine because of the extra time at home, she used to express three times at work but now has cut back to twice because I only have two feeds while Mum’s at work.
Childcare tomorrow.

9 January 2004: Our first week at Childcare
I am happy to report that we all survived Kimberly’s first week at childcare, albeit with some tears and apprehension. David and Por Por went with Kimberly to childcare on the Monday, they stayed for about three hours. David managed to put Kimberly to sleep and also feed her a small bottle. Por Por spent the day (and pretty much the rest of the week) moping, it was very hard for Por Por to hand over the reins after looking after Kimberly for two weeks.
What Por Por found hardest was how little Kimberly was compared to the other babies and of course Por Por doesn’t think Kimberly is ready for childcare. Kimberly is the youngest child at MLC, but she is not the youngest one enrolled. Not all of the babies have started childcare so when they do Kimberly will be older than several of the other babies. Por Por did confess that she finds it hard to let Kimberly put herself to sleep and that she enjoyed rocking her to sleep. But now that Por Por has seen what happens at childcare she’s following the "rules".
On Tuesday David and I took Kimberly to childcare and stayed until Kimberly was asleep, this was a bit unpleasant for me as it took a little while to get Kimberly to fall asleep and there was a bit of crying. David went to pick Kimberly up at noon. Por Por looked after Kimberly for the rest of the day.
On Wednesday David and I did pretty much the same as Tuesday but another baby, Patty a nine month old was also being put to sleep at the same time as Kimberly. The only difference was that Patty’s mum doesn’t stand next to the cot, she just puts him in the cot and walks away. Even when Patty pulled himself up and was standing in the cot crying his Mum didn’t come over the reassure him. Poor Patty, I was busting to go over to give him a cuddle. Needless to say Patty didn’t manage to put himself to sleep and after 20 minutes of crying his Mum went to him. Kimberly on the other hand was a real champ, despite Patty’s crying and Emma another baby banging on some instrument Kimberly managed to fall asleep. David picked Kimberly up at 2:00, she didn’t have her bottle but did eat some rice cereal.
Thursday I worked from home, I started her day extra early so that she could fit in some play time with Kimberly and because Kimberly didn’t have to drink from a bottle she had lots of milk.

Mum’s Journal:
I wonder what you're doing right now and if everyone is treating you kind. I hope there is a special person, a nice friend that you can find. I wonder if the teacher knows just how special you are to me. And if the brightness of your heart is something she can see. I wonder if you are thinking of me and if you need a hug. I already miss the sound of your voice and how you give me a hug. I wonder if you could possibly understand how hard it is for me to let you grow. On this day know that my heart breaks, for this is the first step in letting my baby go.
I'm starting to really appreciate that being a Mum can be really hard. Putting Kimberly in childcare is probably the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I pray to God that things get easier.

11 January 2004: First time in the shower
Today I took Kimberly into the shower with me just for something new and she absolutely loved it. She didn’t even mind when water splashed onto her face.
David and I spent Saturday afternoon demolishing the back part of Por Por’s house as she wants the back of the house to be open plan. Por Por stayed home to look after Kimberly. On Sunday David, Por Por and Gong Gong went to finish demolishing the old bathroom and I stayed home with Kim.

12 January 2004: First tooth
Kimberly woke up around 5.30 in the morning (she has been waking up at this time quite a bit lately so I was still half asleep) Kimberly grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth. To my surprise I could feel a tooth on the bottom left (Kimberly’s left). We expected her to go through a miserable and fussy stage because of the teething but as usual she’s a real trooper.
I took the day off work so spent it with Kim at childcare. We have been lucky as the facilities and the staff at MLC are terrific, but still childcare is not like home. All the children there have to be a lot more independent and they don’t get fussed over anywhere near as much as they would if they were at home.

19 January 2004: Sitting on her own
For the last couple of days Kimberly has been able to sit on her own, we have to help her into position but once she is sitting she can support herself with her arms. She’s growing very quickly and is a real joy. She is very happy to be around and rarely complains. The staff at childcare seem to be fond of her and she gets held for most of the day. This has set her back a little with tummy time, which is causing David a bit of concern. He is so keen to see her crawling, but I’d like to keep my baby for as long as I can. Lots of the other children from the other classes know Kimberly by name and as soon as David puts Kim on the play mat, before we knew it there were about five other kids sitting around her.
We used to put Kimberly to sleep before leaving childcare but the last two times we just hand her over to one of the carers, hang around for 15 minutes, say good bye to Kim and then we leave. Kimberly’s routine at childcare is that she has cereal for lunch and then a bottle for afternoon tea. She even manages to get two good sleeps each day.
I’ve scheduled a day off in a couple of weeks so that I can spend another day with Kimberly at childcare, just for my own peace of mind. The carers usually tell us the Kimberly has had a terrific day, which translate to me as "she’s had an OK day".
Kimberly’s is a very determined little girl and once her mind is made up there’s not much you can do to change it. Like when we feed her rice cereal, if she wants to eat she will scoff down the whole lot in no time at all, but if she’s not interested she’ll keep her mouth jammed shut. I am amazed at her ability to cope with change, adjusting to a whole new place and all the new faces at childcare has not been easy for David and I, but Kimberly is coping well. She’s also very strong, how much I admire and adore her constantly amazes me.
She now recognises familiar faces and saves her best smiles for David and I. She is a happy child and giggles often. When she wakes from an afternoon nap she will usually entertain herself, even a childcare where they only know she’s awake because they see her hands moving around and hear her cooing.
On Saturday Kimberly went to visit Gran and Pop who she hadn’t seen since Christmas, Gran had bought Kimberly lots a great clothes and books. We’re thinking that we should visit Gran and Pop once a week as two weeks is a bit too long and sometimes Kimberly takes a little while to remember who Gran and Pop are.
Gong Gong baby sat Kimberly for a couple of hours on Sunday and managed to get her to drink water from a bottle. Gong Gong was very pleased with himself as no one else has been able to get water into her.
Kimberly has lots of clothes. Her Gran, Aunty Donna, Por Por and I all buy her clothes, Por Por and I also make clothes for Kimberly. I was terrible at sewing before Kimberly came along but now I’ve managed to sew a couple of real cute outfits for Kim.